Gwyneth "The Everywoman" Cooks Chicken

For the record, I DO NOT pay money to subscribe to GOOP. For those not in the know, GOOP is Gwyneth's weekly newsletter in which she gives advice about everything from mothering her oddly monikered children to the restaurants she frequents in cities around the world to the playlists on her ipod. It is largely an attempt to shake her ice princess, name-dropper, "I'm so much better than you" image she has cultivated so well over the years.

Let's just get this straight. Gwyneth is NOT an "Everywoman." From the Hollywood royalty she comes from to the films she chooses (let's just forget Iron Man, shall we..), Gwyneth is an elitist bitch. And I love her for that. Or used to at least. Until she tried to convince me she's just like me.

I say if you can be an elitist bitch and truly own it, then by all means, go for it. And if you can call Steven Spielberg "Uncle Morty" to his face and almost marry Brad Pitt, you are not like me. So stop trying to be. I liked you when you were elusive and snooty and looked down your nose at me from atop your Balenciaga heels as you stole my table at Balthazar only to consume nothing but champagne and a green salad sans dressing.

That being said, I might just make the roast chicken she is peddling as her completely elitist (Love!) version of "fast food" in her latest video blog on GOOP. And l have some serious issues with chicken. Our rocky relationship began with a serious bout of food poisoning when I was 12 and hasn't really improved much since that fateful night. The level of anxiety I experience while attempting to cook chicken is legendary among those who know me well. By the time it hits the table, if it ever actually makes it there, the poor bird has been subjected to no less than 3 temperature readings (from 3 different thermometers mind you) and a "flashlight test" to check for pinkness. Even if it passes all these tests, I still let my husband eat it the first night and if he doesn't get sick, I might eat a little the next day. It's bizarre, I know. I should definitely seek therapy.



But Gwyneth seems like such a nonchalant "chef". She is ever so calm about touching the chicken, and then touching other things without bleaching her hands clean first like I tend to. And when it comes out of the oven, it goes straight to the plate without a thermometer in sight. Such confidence! And it does look really good.....

So I guess I can forgive her just this once for effectively Goop-ing me. Now if only I could stop her from saying "tater" in that weird voice about midway through....